If you all remember I sent my sister a long letter telling her all my inner most thoughts and feelings about my infertile life. Yeah, well It has been over a month and I have yet to hear from her. Not a comment, not a letter, not a phone call, NOTHING. I seriously cant believe that this is what our relationship has come down to. She doesn't even know that I was doing any kind of treatment, let alone that I have done IVF!!
She is the only sister that I have and if I get prego, I honestly don't think I can make her the Godmother of my child. Not that I don't want her to be a part of my children's lives, but she has been so distant, so unsupportive, so un-sisterly-like, that I don't think I could bring myself to ask her. Am I a bitch for feeling this way?
It doesn't help that I am not the Godmother of either of her children. I was 19 when she had her first child and 21 when she had her second...I know that I was a bit on the younger side but I really don't see how that matters when you are sisters, blood, family... So about 3 years ago (before all my infertility came out in the open) I asked her why she chose Beth and Sheree to be the Godparents of her children. She got a little defensive (almost like she knew it should have been me) and said that neither of those women will be able to have children (one by choice, the other I don't know why-possibly infertility). I just find it ironic that she knew about my pcos since I was 18 and now I am 27 and dealing with my own infertility issues. Its hard not to be bitter!
I remember when I asked her to be my maid of honor for my wedding...her reaction was minimal, I don't even think she got all that excited for me. For my entire life I have felt like I have had to walk on eggshells around her, cater to her needs and curb my thoughts, opinions and actions so that she approves. I dont really know why I have been doing this, maybe because she is 9 years older than me; I have always looked up to her. But were older now so the age difference shouldn't really matter anymore. We should be equals, but hell will freeze over before she thinks and acts like that!
Oh yeah did I mention that she was over an hour late for my pictures on my wedding day?? What the hell was that all about? She tried to tell me that I didn't tell her what time to be there..umm well then wouldn't you ask? I was planning a wedding for goodness sakes!! She also gave all my girls a hard time with ALL of the planning and even gave me a hard time because I had a Saturday night wedding and she did a Saturday Day wedding to save money.
I feel like I constantly have to explain myself and my actions to her. Justify everything. Why can I just be me? Why cant she love me for who I am? Why can't she support me without having her push her own opinions about MY LIFE on me? I just dont get her. At all.
I dont want to lose my sister, but I dont know if I will be able to recover from this if she doesn't reach out to me soon. I would never let a day go by without calling her to talk to her if I knew that she was having a tough time with something in her life. NEVER. That is what sisters are for. To be there for each other through thick and thin. Good and Bad. Wether to agree with what they are doing or not. I love her with all my heart, but she puts me in a tough spot right now. I feel like she is making me go down a road that I don't want to go down, and I may never come back the same. It scares me.
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(((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))) I can't believe she hasn't called you or tried to contact you at all!! I don't blame you one bit for the way you're feeling. No relationship can be strong if only one person is working for it, not even sisters. And I don't think you're being mean at all by considering not making her your child's godmother. You just don't want to make yourself or your child vulnerable when there's a good chance you'll end up disappointed again.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, not everyone is as understanding and supportive as we would like them to be. And it is a very sad thing to find out that some of these people are family. I'm very sorry :( More ((((((((HUGS))))))))
(((HUGS))) I know how it feels to have a strained relationship with close family members. None of my family know about our IF or m/c. We have kinda kept it all to ourselves because we knew they wouldn't understand. It would be great to have their support, but we just deal with it on our own. With my sister, we are only 15 months apart in age. She is at a point in her life where she is going a little crazy and acting reckless. We are at completely different places in life. She doesn't understand me, I don't understand her, but all I can do is try to be there for her when she needs me even if she doesn't reciprocate. I try to be the bigger person; why should I stoop to her level? I hate that it has to be that way and yeah it does hurt when they don't seem to care as much as we do. But we just have to be strong and let them know that we love them and care for them and are there whenever they need us. IDK if that helped or not, but at least you know you aren't alone and you aren't a bad person for feeling like you do. more ((HUGS))
ReplyDelete((((((HUGE HUGS)))))) I'm sorry Ashley! It sucks that she can't or won't be supportive of you through this. Honestly, it sounds like she resents you for being born. Was she an only before you were born? Some people never get over that childish crap.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to justify yourself to her. You're an adult & can make your own choices regardless of her approval. I don't think you sound bitchy for wanting to spare your future child from that kind of disappointment. I have "extended" family members who I don't ever want to introduce my kids to!
(((((MORE HUGS)))))
I'm not sure how the whole sibling relationship goes since I'm an only child but I find it really horrible that she hasn't even called you! I'm sorry you're going through this, you deserve someone to be there for you and someone that you don't have to tip toe around all the time.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry sweetie. I kind of know how you feel. I have a brother who is 7yrs older than me. We were never close so I can't really talk to him about anything serious. He knows about our IF and has never said anything to me about it. I dont know if they just dont know what to say but we have to believe that they do care. I hope your sister comes around and is able to be a part of your & your kids lives some day. ((((HUGS)))) to you.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand how people can be so selfish. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I hope that she will come around and apologize to you, or that you'll find someone else who can become like a sister to you. ((((HUGS))))
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) Ashley.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks when you pour your heart out and think that the other person will respond immediately because it is something so important to you and then you watch the days tick by and no word. I had the same thing with a SIL. I know she cares but just thought it strange that I got NO reply.
It's also hard when sisters who are "supposed" to be close really aren't. I have that with my sister who is 6 yrs older. We are so different and although I feel like we should be close and my mom kind of pushes it, we just aren't. And that's ok. But you need support from her and I'm sorry that she isn't pulling through for you. (((HUGS)))
p.s. how are you feeling?
I am so sorry to hear that you are having difficulties with your sister. I wondered whether you have heard back from her yet. Look after yourself. Hugs to you. C xx
ReplyDelete((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry you're having a tough time with her and it sucks that you want a relationship with her so badly, and she doesn't seem interested in reciprocating. That's a shame...especially because from what I've seen of you, you're an incredibly strong, smart, funny individual and she should be proud to be your sister.
ReplyDeleteMy sister and I do not have a close relationship. There is a reversal compared to you in that I think she'd like to be closer than we are. However, her behavior and attitude does not foster that desire...
ReplyDeleteBut some of your post resonated with me: "For my entire life I have felt like I have had to walk on eggshells around her, cater to her needs and curb my thoughts, opinions and actions..." though in my case not for her approval, but because she will act out and make things miserable for me and for my parents if things don't go her way. It's complicated...
She is my only sibling and my husband is an only child. I worry about what to do about guardianship when we have a baby because neither my husband or I are comfortable making her the potential guardian, and I think it will cause a huge issue in our family.
The ties to family, while important, can also sometimes be painful. I've tried to respect those family ties while still building up my own support network and "family". It can be a difficult balance, but a necessary one too.
{{{hugs}}} I hope you get a positive resolution to this.
family relations, they can be such a funny thing... :( don't let yourself loose hope, but also I would try not to sweat too much over this, sometimes I think it's better to leave things the way they are, otherwise it's easy to get oneself so burned out :( enjoy your own life and family and hopefully she'll come around, it would be nice if she did, as you said, blood is blood and there's no other connection like it...
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry. I feel like I could have written this too. My older sister is/was the same way including the wedding issues. I walked on eggshells around her, but I have come to realize that it's not worth losing myself.
ReplyDeleteI started standing up for myself, and unfortunately she doesn't have much contact with me now. I've learned to be okay with that though, because I can be myself, and most importantly, respect myself.
I know this a hard time, but don't lose yourself in her. You did what you could, and you can't change her. I wish you peace and happiness. You've been through so much, you don't deserve any more heartache.