you dont have an appointment

WHAT?!? Was my first response. How could this happen?
I know that I made an appointment. April 30 at 3pm. I have it written on my calendar and my day planner. But when I got there the receptionist seemed to think otherwise. All she kept saying was that I had a phone conversation with the RE on the 10th. SO WHAT LADY!

All I wanted was to talk to him face to face, get a feel for him, ask him some questions. Plus it doesn't help that he has a VERY heavy accent and it is hard enough to understand him in person let alone over the phone!

Then the receptionist goes on to say...well you already started your IVF cycle, most people do that before their IVF cycle start. DUH LADY...I called in the beginning of March but because he is a new RE he was all booked up! The earliest they had was April 30th. So I took what I could get with a promise to call me if something opens up. Yeah well I didnt even get my booked appointment, let alone a phone call! Rahhhh!

Then she tells me to wait. So I sit and wait and think and start to tear. Yes I know...I am a big emotional baby! At this point I keep thinking...whats the point now? I feel rushed and the receptionist made me feel stupid for even having a consult in the middle of an IVF cycle. Then the RE comes out and tells me that if I can wait a little bit he will try and squeeze me in between his 3 and 330 appointment. Of course I am all teary eyed and he asks if I am okay. Yeah doc, I am okay, just an emotional mess that's all!

So he fits me in, answers all my questions, reassures me and I feel better. How quick was that...5 minutes. See...thats all that I wanted. Now I feel better.

At least for now :)

Little bit of a breakdown

So I had a little bit of a breakdown last night. Yelled, got frustrated, confused, cried, yelled some more...I didnt know what was going on!!! So this is the start of the IVF emotional breakdown everyone talks about!!

First Jay and I get confused about what meds to give me. Yesterday on the phone, my nurse said to take Menopur - 2 parts powder to 1 part liquid. Seems easy right. Well when I was watching the video it said to use on 1ml of liquid for 1 powder and you can add up to 5 powders to that first mixture (the directions said the same thing). Since the liquid bottle was 2ml my question was do I take 2 powders and 1 liquid(2ml) or do I do what the instructions say and take 1ml of liquid to 2 powders?!?!! So confusing!!!

So then I am freaking out a little bit because I was instructed to take 125 of the Follistim. I took 75 and my ovaries blew up!! And then adding Menopur (which esentially does the same thing) to the mix....scares the hell out of me. I know that I should trust the doctors, but for some reason I didn't. I ended up doing what they told me to do. But I didnt like it one bit!

Not to mention the Menopur hurt when Jay injected me with it...I felt all the fluid being pushed into my belly! Ughh!! I know, I know...I am just a baby!! LOL

I was a mess last night! Started crying that I dont want to do this, and how much I fear ohss. How I think the RE is giving me too much medication....this sucks! Infertility sucks! Why me! Why any of us!!! Oh yeah and to make matters worse. I get into work today to find out that my good guy friend and his wife are pregnant....again! Baby number 2 and they weren't even trying. So flipping annoying.

I go for a consultation with the RE today. So I am hoping that it will ease my mind a little. Well actually a lot! I just want to fast forward my life to my beta...

*In the Clear*

So I went to the RE today for my checkup to make sure that everything is calm before the storm!! Thin uterine lining....check, small ovaries....check, small follicles....check, no cysts....WhooHooo! I am still waiting for a b/w call from my nurse and then she will give me directions on what to do for the next couple of days.

I am still worried about OHSS...I have been reading up a lot on it. Pulling information that will help me avoid or at least lessen the symptoms. Since I have PCOS I need to be very cautious of this. Luckily, I have an RE consultation tomorrow. I am going to ask him a lot of ?'s and have him reassure me that he will do everything he can to prevent me from getting OHSS. It scares the hell at out me. So for now I am eating a protein and potassium diet along with lots of fluids. Anything I can do to prevent it...I will. Speaking of OHSS has anyone heard from Margriet? I have been worried about her lately. I hope her symptoms have subsided!

I am also setting up an appointment with the acupuncturist that RMA provides. Its complimentary so I might as well do it! I am going to do at least 2. One before the transfer and one after. I think if I want any more I have to pay for it, so we will see how the first 2 go.

I got a big box in the mail yesterday. All I have to say is WHOLLY MEDS!! I have never seen more needles, swabs, medicine...just plain crap in my life! Someone would think I was a drug addict if they saw all of it. I stored it all down in the cool basement for no one to find!

I cant believe in 2 weeks I will be PUPO!!! I just hope it all goes okay. Say some prayers for me!!

Finally!!

Today is the last day to take those darn BCP's. They have given me headaches, nausea and I started to spot yesterday! I think my body is just all messed up from the meds last cycle. I called my RE and she said that its normal. I probably wont get a full flow of AF. So I have this last weekend to relax, not worry or think about anything. Then next week starts it all...

I have to say there are 2 things that really scare me about this entire experience.
1. OHSS. Since I have PCOS I am more prone to getting this and what happened to me last cycle with the meds - only makes my fears worse.
2. Those nasty progesterone shots. I haven't seen the needle yet, but I heard that they are fairly large and in charge!!! Jabbing a needle the size of a pen refill into my ass just creeps me out!!! I really hope Jay is going to be able to do this...haha

I am feeling a bit antsy right about now...I can only image how I am going to feel when May is here! Deep breaths Ashley - deep breaths.

Zombie Chickens!

I am honored to be the recipient of this award from Allison. Thanks girlie - you really know how to make a girl smile! : ) I love the name of this award. Just saying the name makes me feel like I have made some kind of breakthrough. It makes me laugh too!

"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…"

For my nominations, I choose:

1.Caroline - because she amazes me with each and every post
2. Want2bmom - because of her upbeat and positive attitude
3. Coco - because I love reading her posts and she has amazing strength
4. Margriet - Because I can completely relate to her
5. Kitty - because of her witty posts and her ability to always make me smile

I never knew I would have such great friends that I have never met!
; )

Calling all IVFer's

So Jay and I have been discussing the BIG question of IVF...
How many embies do we want to put back?
If I can get the embies to day 5 then I think I only want to put 1 back. I wouldn't mind twins, but I would rather a singleton. I am a tiny girl and would worry about complications. Plus there is always the money issue, putting 2 or more kids through college at once is crazy to think about!

So my question to you girls...
How many embies did you or will you put back? How did you and DH come to that decision?
What about during an FET? Should you put more back since it has less of a success rate?

Any other helpful information about IVF would be awesome!
Thanks girls!!

Thank You!

I just wanted to write a quick Thank You! to all of the girls who responded to my last post.
I think I just needed to hear those kind and helpful words from everyone! I know now that I am headed in the right direction and that this is the next step for us.

I can't thank you girls enough. I honestly don't know what I would do without all of you!

Am I Rushing?

So I just got all the paperwork for IVF in the mail yesterday. I guess it freaked me out a bit, because now I am just worried that I am rushing into IVF.

Some things to know...
• I am 27 years old, Jay is 31
• The younger you are the better your chances
• We want a baby VERY badly
• I have PCOS and my hubs has abnormal Morphology
• I am covered 100% by insurance
• We have been TTC for over a year
• We tried 3 rounds of Clomid and IUI's with no success
• We tried a round of injectables, but RE told me I have a very high chance of multiples this cycle and for future cycles.
• RE recommended we go to IVF
• Hubs wants to go to IVF and so do I but as always - I am now second guessing myself!!

I know that you girls cant make a decision for me, but let me know your thoughts. If I didnt go through with it, I dont really know what I would do??? I am already half way through my BC pills and I am probably gonna go through with it in the end. I think I am just making myself crazy!!! I hate this, why do we have to put ourselves through this. How come I can get pregnant like a 'normal' woman. : (

My ABC's

I stole this from Caitlin's blog...



A - Age: 27

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: Scrubbing the Bathtub!

D - Dad's Name: Dwight

E - Essential start your day item: Orange Juice

F - Favorite food: Shrimp

G - Gold or Silver: Silver

H - Height: 5'5

I - Instruments you play(ed): I used to play the flute. Tried to learn piano, but I need lessons :)

J - Job title: Graphic Designer

K - Kid(s): Not yet!

L - Living arrangements: I own a home with my husband

M - Moms name: Karen

N - Nicknames: AJ, Ash, AshiePoo, Boo Bear & Big Bird. The last two are what the hubs calls me. Nice huh?

O - Overnight hospital stay: The day I was born!!

P - Pet Peeve: bad drivers

Q - Quotes you like: "I love you today, tomorrow and every yesterday"

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: 1 Brother, 1 sister, 1 SIL and 1 BIL.

T - Time you wake up: 7:30

U - Undying love for: Jay, family, friends, my unborn baby :) , my 3 furbabies

V - Vegetable you dislike: asparagus

W - Ways you run late: TRAFFIC! (Jersey is the worst!)

X- X-rays you've had: Teeth, abdomen, uterus/tubes

Y - Yummy food you make: my husband is the cook. I love everything he makes.

Z - Zodiac: Aries

Happy Birthday to me!

I am writing today, because I will be down the shore (jersey shore, where I grew up) tomorrow. So Happy Easter to all and Happy Birthday to me! hehehe. This is the first year that my birthday landed on Easter...pretty cool. I wonder if it will ever happen again in my lifetime???

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

relieved, happy and nervous

all at once! Well, I am glad I went into the RE this morning. My nurse only did b/w. No u/s...which is fine - no copay today - even better. As you all know I was having "issues" with AF. She decides to show up on CD 15. (How nice of her to not make me wait another 2 weeks for her to show! LOL) But confused me as to whether or not it was indeed AF or just mid-cycle bleeding. Well the blood work confirmed that I it was AF! I had ovulated and all my levels are where they should be at a start of a cycle.

Then a few moments later I get another call. Its my RE. Surprised that he called me (I didn't think that they made phone calls) he wanted to talk about my next steps. He told me that because of the amount of follicles that I produced with the medicine that my ovaries will still be overstimulated and I wouldn't be able to take meds this cycle. Bummer.

He also told me that because of my great response with the meds that my chances of having multiples increase more so than the average women during fertility treatment. Uh O.

Then he said that since my insurance covers IVF and my high risk of multiples through injectables that he recommends I do IVF.

He asked me when I wanted to start. Ahhh! I told him that I wasn't 100% sure when and that I needed to talk it over with my hubs first. They gave me a pack of birth control (in the morning)and told me go on it for 10 days or until I feel ready to go through with the procedure.

So I am relieved that it was AF and not something else, happy that things are continuing to move along and nervous that I am going to do IVF. It was weird though, after I got off the phone with my RE I had this unconrollable urge to smile. Maybe because I feel like becoming a mother is closer than I think. Just think...I could be prego by the end of next month!!

Your gonna think I'm crazy!

She's back. I cant believe this is happening to me. If it is not AF how long am I going to spot for...this is day 3 so far. And if it is AF how do I know for certain so that I dont loose another cycle...this sucks.

I think I am going to the RE in the morning regardless of how the night goes...

False Alarm

LOL. I am sick of this darn C! I woke up this morning to a dry tampon. What is going on!! It was definitely heavy yesterday, but still brown so I guess it was just some mid cycle bleeding. Its just weird that I have never had any spotting or anything like this before. But then again I have never taken fertility meds either. So I guess it goes hand in hand....so now I am back to the waiting game again! Oh what fun!

Happy Passover and Happy Easter everyone!!!

She's here!

tmi. So as you all know, I started spotting yesterday at CD15 and continued throughout the afternoon. When I woke up this morning, I put a tampon in cause I didn't feel like dealing with it. When I took it out a few hours later it was soaked! It was still the gross dark brown color and not red. But I figured that AF just decided to show up early. Real early.

So I called my RE to report Day 1. She asked me if I wanted to go to IVF or try another round of IUI w/ inj's. I told her that I would prefer another round but in her expert opinion what did she think? She told me that I might not be able to go through another round this cycle because my ovaries may still be over-stimulated. Ughh!! Are you flipping kidding me?!?! This cycle was bad enough and now I might have to suffer waiting through another one!! No. I dont want to! IF it comes down to that...I am going to do IVF.

She also told me that if I lower my dosage hopefully I wont over-stimulate my ovaries, but there is always that chance....That would make 4 months, 4 cycles down the drain, and then I would be stuck thinking that if I just did IVF in the first place then maybe I could be pregnant by now...

Well this sucks. I don't know what to do...I have my day 3 b/w and u/s so I guess I will make a decision then. Thanks for listening : (

Only in my dreams!

So I woke up this morning realizing I had one of the craziest dreams...I dreamt that I was pregnant with 3 babies (Lord help me!) 2 girls and 1 boy. We named one of the girls Mackenzie (the name that we like if we have a girl) the boy, Mark (why that name I do not know...it is Jay's middle name though!) and we were still trying to come up with another girls name. I had the babies through an egg donor and the babies came out half Asian - half White. I was terrified that they didn't look anything like me or my husband! Weird dream huh? I think it had to do with this cycle being a high risk for multiples (even though it was cancelled) and a Jon and Kate plus 8 thrown in there too!! LOL

Anyways...

I am CD15. I went to the bathroom this afternoon and to my surprise...I am spotting!!
I have never spotted before, ever! And if I do, its a few hours before AF shows up. Well, its been a few hours and no sign of AF and I am still spotting?!?! I called my nurse and she said that I could have mid-cycle bleeding or I am just getting my period early. Two weeks early though??? I usually get it on CD27-28. And before treatment it would be like CD30-32. If this was any other month I would think implantation bleeding...and be siked! But instead I am worried because this is not normal for me, at all. The nurse told me I can go in for an ultrasound, but I might wait it out one more day and see what happens. I am a bit bloated right now...so maybe AF is on her way. I only hope so, so that this awful cycle can be OVER!!!

April 4, 2001

8 years. Jay and I have been together for 8 years today. Wow does time fly. I love him more and more each day, and couldn't imagine my life without him.

Its a good day today! We have some friends coming over tonight to grill up some steaks, drink some beers and play some Wii. Should be fun. I love the days where you can just chill out and not worry about anything.

My boobs have been hurting me the past 2 days. I will probably O sometime this weekend, but since I cant try and conceive I am not really trying to figure out what day exactly. Weird thing is though - my boobs never hurt me before I O, only before AF shows. So I am thinking that maybe this is the first REAL time that I am going to ovulate?? (since I took follistim) Not really sure. Any thoughts???

Another thing that has been on my mind is that we did BD on Monday. And the RE cancelled my cycle on Tuesday. I was so upset and emotional that I didn't think of it till this weekend. I don't think that his lil guys will survive more than 3 days or so...so we should be okay.

I will tell you though, since the RE told us NOT to BD...that is all that I have been thinking about. I woke up a few times last night and knew I was dreaming about BDing!! LOL Its funny how you want to do something you were told not to. hehe The RE gave us a 10 day waiting period. So next weekend we can resume to our normal lifestyle! I guess if we really wanted to BD we could just use protection...but we haven't done that in years!!! It would be kinda weird no?

Well anyways hope all you girls are having a wonderful weekend!

I think...

I have made up my mind. Not 100% sure, but I think am leaning towards doing one more IUI with inj's. Hopefully this time they wont overdose me with meds and I can actually do the IUI! LOL. I think that if I am unsure about IVF, and not totally on board yet, then there is a reason for that. I know that if I have to do IVF - I will in a heartbeat. But I think I should try the other options at least once.

Good thing is that I am approved for IVF. My insurance is going to pay for it. (and I feel VERY lucky that I have that option) there would be NO WAY we could afford it out of pocket. It makes me mad that some insurances dont cover it. I think they all should. Especially if there is no other way you can get pregnant without it. Insurances already make you go through all these checks and balances for all other treatments, I just dont see the difference with infertility. Even if they gave you X amount of dollars that you had to use on IF treatments...at least it would be something!! I wish there was something we could do about that. Speak out somehow!
((((hugs)))) to Jayme & Caitlin - you are both in my prayers - things will work out I promise!!

So now I just wait...Ughhh! I hate waiting. And I am going to O this weekend..how bad do I want to BD. Dont worry girls, I wont. I am not that dumb. My nurse gave me a 10 day waiting period. So no BDing until April 9th. Even though it wont be BDing since I will have O'd already. Booo!!!!!
Just looked at my chart...AF wont be arriving till the 19th....that seems so far away. Ughh!!!

I just hate the waiting game!