ONE MORE TIME!

I just got off the phone with my nurse. She told me that I have the ability to squeeze another IUI in before I go away. I wasn't going to do another one because I thought my vacation would interrupt the double IUI's. But it worked out perfectly...I go in on Wed and Thursday for the IUI's and leave on Sat morning for Florida!!

At first I was bummed. I dont want to do anymore IUI's. I am done with IUI's!! I want something with a better success rate!!! But it's better this way. Before I can move onto IVF, I have to have a consultation with my RE anyways, so my plan is to make an appointment to see him during my 2ww and we can start IVF fresh in April. I know I am already counting out this month and it has just begun, but I just feel like the IUI's aren't going to work for us and I don't want to set myself up for another failure. I am honestly only doing it because it is covered under my insurance and it fits perfectly in our schedules this month.

At least the 2ww will go by rather quickly since I will be on a cruise for most of it!! Yeah!!! I cant wait!!! And if it doesn't work...IVF here we come!!!

ps-Did you girls know that you can only be covered for 4 IVF's in a lifetime! Just found that out today. Lets hope it wont take that many tries before success.

Uncontrollable Tears

See this is why I don't test. I knew it. I knew this was another failed month, another failed IUI.

I hate these days. I wake up with tears coming down my face and they just don't stop ALL DAY LONG. I was sitting in a meeting today with the entire company, and couldn't stop them from coming. Any little thought would set off the water works! How embarrassing is it when random people are asking you what is wrong. Then, these 2 girls in my department of course had to start talking about their babies this morning. I was so damn mad that I even said something to the sort of "can you please shut up" But it wasn't loud and I don't think they knew I was talking to them! ahhh! This is not me. I am not like this. I hate what this traumatic experience is making me become.

I hate this depressed feeling that overwhelms me. A feeling that will last for the next week or so, until I finally get over the fact that I am just not pregnant. Oooh, see that hurt to even type. My RE told my husband and me that considering our circumstances, we probably wont have to go to IVF, but now I am thinking otherwise. I talked it over with my husband and next month we are going to do it. We are going to move on to IVF. I just cant handle anymore disappointment and depression. Its driving me insane and turning me into someone I just don't want to be!

It sucks too because I keep thinking - What are we doing wrong? We both have jobs, have the money support another human life, I eat right, take my vitamins (as does my husband), exercise, drink lots of water, do what the RE tells me to, don't drink alcohol (well maybe a glass of wine or 2 but not during 2ww) yada yada yada... So tell me, why can we not be parents? Why is this such a problem for us? Why is it that some people can give birth and throw the baby in a trash can for God's Sake! Why is life just not fair!!!!

Kick, Punch & Stretch

I feel great this morning. Finally, I joined my aerobics class! I have been saying that I am going to join for the past 4 months now. Just kept putting it off, and putting it off. My hubbs went out to dinner with an old co-worker of his (maybe getting a good job offer because of it-fingers crossed) so I decided "today is the day" So I went, and I loved it. Of course I was the youngest one there - but I have always been the youngest of the crowd so I am used to it. That doesn't matter anyways. I am hoping to maybe make a class buddy, so that I could be a little more encouraged to go! hehe

The class seems really cool. Different instructors all the time, its only 40 bucks a month, (which beats any gym price of about 80 bucks a month!!), there is no contract - I can cancel at any time! and the class runs every day at 7pm which gives me enough time to get home, make and eat dinner and head over there. Then I am home, showered and on the couch watching TV by 830.

I just cant tell you how much better I felt after the class. It was an instant lift of the lethargic feeling that I have felt for the past year or so. I will start off slow...only go about 3 days a week. I don't want to burn myself out. But I am going to do this, I want to do this.

I also wanted to say Congratulations to all of those BFP's!!! And a special Congrats to Richelle with her twins!! I was trying to comment on all of their blogs...but it wouldn't let me! Warmest wishes to you all!!

As for me...I still have not tested yet, and still have not seen AF yet. I have such a fear of the BFN!!! I was going to pee on a opk this morning, but didn't have one left (I thought I did). I refuse to POAS until tomorrow morning the earliest! Eh who am I kidding - I wont POAS..Ill wait for AF to show or to go to the RE's on Friday, whichever comes first!

Did I ever tell you that I hate this game!!!!!! : )

Ta-ta for now!

Don't count yourself out yet!

Start of a new week. A long one at that. Its cold outside too. I am so sick of Winter.
So I am in my 2ww...and I just got a feeling yesterday that this is not it. Don't know why, but I just got that feeling. Its funny because whenever any of you girls say that you feel like its over, I always comment that "Its not over till AF shows up!" "Stay positive", "Don't count yourself out yet!" Maybe I should take some of my own advice huh?

I mainly feel like I am out of the count because my boobs started to hurt yesterday. Most of you girls would tell me that's a good sign, but my boobs always hurt for a few days before AF arrives. The bloating stopped, shortness of breath kind of did too. Now I just feel a mild cramp and my boobs are very achy!!

I told Jay all of this and he said that maybe we should just go to IVF. I never thought I would hear that sentence out of his mouth, but maybe he is right. I am not too fond of the idea - not just because of all the doc visits, but I just don't think I can handle all of it emotionally. And what if I go through all of that...for it to not work?!?!?

I know that a lot of you girls are going through or have done IVF, and for a few it hasn't worked out (((HUGS))), and I think of you women as very strong willed, and emotionally balanced. I don't know if I am, and I fear my outcome of the entire situation. The only way I would be able to get through it is with my husband by my side, comforting me all the way.

This stinks

I am losing 3 of my closest girlfriends at my job today. One of the girls decided to leave (because its such a crappy place to work) and the other 2 got let go. This whole situation we are in just makes me sad. To hear and see so many people lose their jobs, its not easy.

My company really sucks too because when they let these 2 girls go, I couldn't believe what I heard. Basically told them to pack up their shit and leave out the back so no one would see them. No goodbyes, not allowed to get anything personal off the computer, locked out of email and computer, and someone was standing over my girlfriend as she packed up her stuff. "Its company policy" she says. Shove that company policy right up your ass, I say! No severance package, no extended insurance, no 2 weeks notice, no nothing.

And the worst part is, the past 2 company meetings the VP shook his finger at us, saying that we have nothing to worry about and that we are "recession proof" I know this isn't a guarantee that we don't loose our jobs, but its also giving us false hope. They shouldn't have said anything to us at all!

What makes me even MORE mad is my girlfriend used to be a receptionist here, then they gave her a promotion (praising themselves for always giving internal employees the option to further themselves) funny when they ended up firing her a year later. Kicker is - the receptionist job was reopened and they still didn't offer it to her! WTF!! Sorry I usually don't curse, but I am raging mad right now. And where am I...stuck in this hell hole all by myself!

blOated

This month I have not been obsessing with my cycle signs, and it has been easy because I haven't really felt anything at all. Normally by now my boobs would be hurting me (they always hurt about 6 days before AF) and I would feel twinges and pulls in my lower abdomen. But I did start taking b-6, so maybe AF will be arriving a little later than usual. I have just felt so BLOATED!! I have felt this constant bloat for the past 5 days or so. I am only 7dpo right now so it cant be much of anything. Maybe just from the IUI's??

The past few days I have also had a shortness of breath. Not really sure what it is from. I quit smoking almost 2 years ago, so I don't think its from that. Its nothing too alarming, but every once in a while I need to take a deep breath. Just going to keep a watchful eye on it though..

Sur.vizzle

What are your middle names? Jill and Mark
How long have you been together? Since April 3, 2001
How long did you know each other before you started dating? We basically started dating when we met.
Who asked who out? He walked over to my car to say hello (we were in the parking lot of our college)
How old were each of you when you met? I was 19 he was 24
How old are each of you now? I am 26 he is 31
How long did you date before becoming engaged? about 4 years
How tall are each of you? I'm 5'5, he is 5'8
Whose siblings do you see the most? We see his side of the family more, we all live in the same town, whereas my family lives about an hour away.
Do you have any children together? Nope, not yet!
What about pets? 2 cats and a dog - our house is a zoo!!
Did you go to the same school? college
Are you from the same hometown? nope
Who is the smartest? We are both, but I would say he is more of a jack of all trades!
Who is the most sensitive? Me.
Where do you eat out most as a couple? ALL OVER! We love to go out to eat.
Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Hawaii
Who does the cooking? He does the cooking...he gets home from work before me.
Who is more social? Totally me.
Who is the neat-freak? We both like it clean, but he is the freak about it : )
Who hogs the bed? I hog the bed, but he hogs the covers.
Who wakes up earlier? He usually does
Who has the bigger family? I think its pretty equal. Bu my one aunt has 12 kids...so that might make me the winner.
How do you spend the holidays? We see both families most holidays, and alternate for the other holidays.
Who is more jealous? Neither, really
Do you have little pet names for each other? I call him Boo-Boo. He calls me Luv Bug.
How long did it take to get serious? about 6 months
Who eats more? He eats more in one sitting, but I eat all day long.
Who sings better? I would say me.
Who’s older? He is!
Who does the dishes? I usually do, but he does too sometimes.
Who snores? sometimes he does
Who’s better with the computer? Equal.
Who drives? We both alternate
Who kissed who first? He kissed me
Who eats more sweets? Totally me. He will go for a piece of fruit before candy!

Tuesday Blues

Back to work. Yuck. Sometimes I hate being here. Get up at 7, to work at 8:30, sit at my computer ALL DAY, do work as it comes in, play on the internet when I am bored, go to lunch, get that 3:00 slump - when you feel the day is never going to end, and finally race out that door at 5:30. I cant wait to be a teacher, at least I will be a little more in charge of my day and be on my feet more. I feel so blah, so unmotivated, so lethargic. I was a waitress for about 7 years...all throughout high school and college. I am used to being on my feet, as a matter of fact I liked it. I am getting real sick of sitting on my ass all day long, eating, thinking, eating, sitting, thinking, sitting, eating, waiting. A vicious circle I need to get out of!! Hopefully one day soon . . .

DH and I were arguing yesterday : ( I think it was more me then anything. He was trying so hard to get me to laugh and I was trying so hard not to laugh. I think I was just in one of my moods, because a few hours later and it was all forgotten. I love how we fight, but not really fight. We both understand that we just need time to pass, have a civil discussion and let bygones be bygones. Very rarely do we have screaming matches. Although we do throw out a name or two sometimes! ; )

I got a call from my RE today. I went in this morning for progesterone blood work and my levels came back good - 19.7. Not as high as last time, but I didn't fast (not knowing any better) I had coffee, which could have made a difference?? So now I wait some more! Fun-Fun. I go in for a BPT on the 27th, but last time I got AF early. So I am waiting for her to rear her ugly head on the 24th - CD27.

Jay thinks that this is it. He truly does. And he has never said that before, so I pray to God that he is right. I dont know how much more he can take of this, or me for that matter.

I know that I am young, and we have time, but when your ready, your ready. And I have been ready for about 2 years. We have only been trying for about a year. But about 2 years ago I wanted to at least go off the BCP. He insisted we wait, telling me, when we have things under control (meaning our house, money, construction etc) I totally understood where he was coming from, but knew in my heart that we would have trouble. And thats why I wanted to try extra early. But regardless of the past, we are here now....in the 2ww!! Praying that this is it!

Wasting Time

So far the weekend has been great. Jay sent me flowers to work on Thursday (I had Friday off). It was a nice treat! But of course there were 2 girls there that couldn't keep their comments to themselves...well aren't you lucky...I wish my husband was as sweet as yours...your so spoiled! And not in a nice tone either. Normally I wouldn't let comments like this bother me, but these 2 girls both have kids galore (one is even 7 months prego) and I felt like screaming at them that at least they can get pregnant and have a child, don't be so petty over stupid flowers that die in a matter of days! of course I didn't...I just smiled and said Thanks! ANYWAYS,

Jay and I had a wonderful day yesterday. We took Sammie to Petco to pick out a Valentines gift, I got the DH chocolates and jellybeans and he got me a silver bracelet, that I have been wanting for so long! Then we went to dinner to our favorite restaurant, did some BDing (hopefully conceived!) and watched some TV before drifting off to la la land.

I don't have to work on Monday...so its like a Saturday for me. Jay and I were planning on going to the movies! Stole a survey from one of the girls...

1) Raise​d in :
Red Bank, NJ

2) Ur full name:​
Ashley Jill

3) Birth​ date:​
April 12

4) Any sibli​ngs:​
older sister and brother

5) Oldes​t of them all:
Troy my brother...I am the youngest

6) Hair color​:​
brown with blonde highlights

7) Hair lengt​h:​
just hits my boobs : )

8) First​ schoo​l:​
Point Road

9) Eye color​:​
Blue

10) Favor​ite color​:​
Blue

11) Mood:​
pretty good

12) Colle​ge:​
william paterson university

13) Heigh​t:​
5'6

14) Lefty​/​Right​y:​
right​y

15) Do you remem​ber your first​ "​real"​ relat​ionsh​ip?​
of course

16) Do you belie​ve in a thing​ calle​d love?​:​
yes

17) Short​est relat​ionsh​ip:​
a month?

18) Have you ever been heart​broke​n?​:​
yes

19) Do you love someo​ne right​ now:
yes

20) Have you ever falle​n for a frien​d:​
nope

21) Are you afrai​d of commi​tment​?​:​
no

22) Do you belie​ve in love at first​ sight​?​
yes


_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​_​

1) Love or Money​:​
Love

2) Coffe​e or alcoh​ol:​
coffee

3) One night​stand​s or relat​ionsh​ips:​
relat​ionsh​ips

4) Telev​ision​ or inter​net:​
both

5) Pepsi​ or Coke:​
i dont drink soda

6) Wild night​ out or roman​tic night​ in:
either or

7) Phone​ or in Perso​n:​
in person

[​[​Have You Evers​:​]​]​

1) Have you ever been caugh​t sneak​ing out?
no

2) Have you ever skinn​y dippe​d?​
yup

3) Have you ever been on a house​ boat?​
yes, in Arizona

4) Have you ever finis​hed an entir​e jawbr​eaker​?​
yes

5) Have you ever color​ed your hair?​
I just did...

6) Have you ever been strea​king?​
no

7) Are your paren​ts still​ marri​ed?​
yes

[​[​The Do Yous:​]​]​

1) Do you get depre​ssed about​ thing​s easil​y?​
Not really


2) Do you live life to the fulle​st?​
absolutely.

3) Are you comfo​rtabl​e w/ the way you look?​
Yes, although I wish my PCOS wouldnt give me breakouts!

4) How do you dress​?​
business causal at work and Jeans on weekends.

5) Are you scare​d of growi​ng old alone​?​
no

6) What do you want to be when you grow up?
well I am a graphic designer, but wish to be a teacher in the near future.

7) Favor​ite seaso​n?​
fall & spring

and so it begins....again.

Two Week Wait. Three little words I never thought I would hate so much. I drive myself nuts analyzing every little thing. It gets a little ridiculous sometimes. But this 2ww will be different. I am NOT going to obsess!!! Yeah right...who am I kidding. That will last about a day. Haha.

Woke up again at 5am today. It is about 930 now and I feel like I am crashing already. I am just happy that I have the day off tomorrow. Pillow, here I come! My second IUI went off without a hitch. And I got to work on time today, Yipee! I plan to BD for the next 2 days just to cover all bases. Although I am pretty sure I O'd today. Last night I had pretty strong cramps in my ovaries. And this morning too. Almost to the point where it would hurt to sit in a chair. But they have seemed to dissipate in the past few hours. Maybe we should BD tonight then...hummm.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my mother. I ended up telling her about my infertility treatments that I am going through. Normally I don't tell my mother too much, its just better that way. But this is different. So far my mother has been my rock throughout all of this. (besides the hubbs) She really understands, listens and makes me feel better about everything. Something I cant say about everyone that I opened up to.

I just cant explain how happy it makes me feel to open up to her. She has always been an awesome mother, taking care of the family, the house, and ALWAYS having dinner on the table. But there was always some kind of a barrier between my mother and I. Something that I saw in other mother-daughter relationships, that I felt was lacking in mine. Maybe a "friendship" is the word that I am looking for. But throughout this unhappy and trying journey I have been through, she has been a true friend and a mom. And it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I love my mother!

5:00 AM

...Is the time when I got up this morning. Yuck!! And if you know me, you know I love my sleep. I am not a morning person, and I MUST have my 8 hours of sleep. I am working on about 6 right now, figures that I couldn't get to sleep early last night. I am not so crabby yet...but come talk to me in about 3 or 4 hours. Ha.

Reason for getting up so early? I had my IUI today. We got to the RE's office at 6am and I still didn't get to work until 9am. Work is going to start to get angry that I keep coming in late. ( I don't want to tell them about all of this until they start asking ?'s) Tomorrow should be quicker though. I got a cup for Jay to do his thing at home...hopefully I will only be 2 hours or so.

So onto the good news. My RE said that I was ready to O. He gave me the shot and we did the IUI. When I was getting my u/s I had Jay look to see how many follies I had. I don't like to ask my RE too many questions, he tends to get short with me. I think I had about 3 good sized follies, ranging from 22-14mm. And the RE said that Jays little guys were great! So Yeah! I like to hear good news.

But I was a little upset because I was in a rush to get to work, since I was late. I only laid down for a good 5 minutes. When I was walking out of the office, I felt some of it coming out. I know, too much information, I am sorry. I hope they swam up there quickly! LOL

Plus after my second IUI, it will be the weekend & Valentines Day - so we should be getting a few good BD sessions in! :) It would be very cute if we conceived on Valentines Day. Especially since Jay proposed to me on that day too! We are going to the Melting Pot for V-day (a tradition of ours). Anyone ever been? It has got to be my FAVORITE restaurant. A little pricey, but totally worth it. I would recommend if you have never gone.

Well that's it for today...until 5AM tomorrow!

Come away with me!

One month and counting...Jay and I are going on Vacation!!! I cant wait to get out of New Jersey!!! We planned a 7 day trip. First to Fort Lauderdale, FL for 2 days. We are meeting up with some friends for a 30th birthday party for the first night at a club called "The Livingroom", then to Hard Rock Casino for the second night. That Monday we will be embarking on a cruise to the BAHAMA'S!!!

I have never been on a cruise, and cant wait to experience it. (ok well I was on a cruise when I was like 9, but that doesn't count!) I have heard mixed reviews...you either love it or you hate it. I am easy to please, so I will probably love it! I don't really care where I am as long as I am not in New Jersey, not working, and with my wonderful husband.

We didn't do anything for our anniversary or birthdays...so this will be a special anniversary, birthday, birthday occasion. :) And if this month doesn't work out for us in the TTC world, we at least have something to look forward too...plus I will be able to have a few glasses of wine! hehe

So next month will be sort of a vacation from everything...Work, daily responsibilities, and TTC! (if I don't get prego this month that is) Cant wait to get away!!!!!! Oh geez, this month is going to crawl isn't it??

Buy a house in 2008?

My hubbs and I just got done doing our taxes and our accountant just informed us of a wonderful thing...If you bought your house in 2008 you are eligible to take a 10% loan INTEREST FREE!! And the best part about it, is that they will take like 500 bucks out of your tax return each year for 15 years. We usually get about 2500 back so we wont even feel the 500 bucks taken out. It is just unseen money.

They want you to spend the money to help boost the economy. I think we are going to buy some stock since everything is so cheap and put the rest away as an emergency savings account (and at least earn the interest on it). I was a little weary about this at first, but when I talked to some people about it, they said anytime you can get an interest free loan from the government...take it! : )

Blondes totally have more fun!!

WhooHooo! I am blonde again, finally! I put blonde highlights in my hair...something that I have had for so many years, but then went back to my natural hair color (brown) for the winter.

I am wondering if subconsciously I have been more depressed with low self esteem with my brown hair, because after yesterday I have just felt so.....awesome! Some kind of liberation I guess. I think I just simply like myself better as a blonde! Does all of this sound a little stupid? haha

Anyways...weekend is going pretty good. About to take Sammie to to dog park! He loves going there.

In TTC news my hubby started taking these vitamins to help his "little guys". He is funny...calls them fertile mertile pills. LOL, I swear he makes a joke out of everything. He has been taking them from the beginning of my C. I dont know if they will improve anything, but its worth a shot! I have been OPking...negatives all around. Still waiting to O.

what is good for the goose, isn't always good for the gander

This is going to be a total work rant! I have been at my job for a little less than 3 years. I have put my heart and soul into everything I do. 110%. Never take advantage. Call when I am going to be late. Work through many of lunches. Stayed WAY past 5:30. yada yada yada...And I feel like they just don't appreciate anything that I do.

I asked for a promotion. Didn't get it. Bad time to ask though, I knew that. They said in April. But then I haven't heard another word. But that isn't even my gripe. Why is it that some people can get away with things that others cant. If you are a certain person or in a certain position (and I am not even talking about high paying executives) you can get away with murder! So many ppl in my company can work from home, come in late, leave early, call out incessantly, take long lunches...But if I tried any of that shit I would get reamed out!

I would maybe understand if it was a seniority thing, but it totally is not. Someone who has been here a few months gets away with all this crap, and I wanted to work from home one snowy day (because my tires were bald) and I get a nasty email saying: I can NEVER do that again and that I put my boss in a bad situation. I am a graphic designer for goodness sakes. I could do ALL my work from home, let alone one measly day. And not for nothing but this one girl pops out a kid and now gets to work from home EVERY FRIDAY. I cant wait for them to tell me that I cant have flex time when I have a kid...

I am just so sick of them playing favorites. And its not even like our company is doing bad because of the economy. We are still 18% above our plan for the fiscal year!! Honestly, what is good for one person should be good for everyone. But things just dont work like that here. It Stinks!

It's Friday!

Thank goodness it is Friday! I need 2 days to catch up on my sleep. I am a sleepaholic. I need to get at least 8 hours, but could sleep for 8 more if I wanted to. I was never the one to go out drinking on a Thursday night, because I would NOT make it into work the next day. Ha.

It was so weird. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with extreme nausea! Couldn't tell you why...I didn't eat anything funky and I know that I am not prego because I didn't O this C yet. Then this morning I have been having really bad cramps, like a stabbing feeling for a minute or so then it dissipates. I was thinking maybe it could be a cyst about to burst? Who the hell knows!

I hate this POAS crap! I am OPKing right now...don't know why cause it never works. I have yet to see a positive OPK and I have pee'd on a lot of sticks! Grrr. At least my RE has me POAS for 7 days and if I don't see a +, he does an u/s to check on my status. If I know my body I wont get a + and Jay and I will be heading to the RE on Wednesday. Last time this happened the RE gave me my trigger shot and did the IUI right then and there. Of course I didn't realize how long this would take, so I was late to work, really late. So this time...I have to get up at 5am just in case! Ughh!!

This weekend should be nice. Just need to do a few things...clean the house, do laundry, go to the gym, get my hair done and take Sammie to the dog park (we try to do that at least once a week) It is supposed to be BEAUTIFUL on Sunday, so we will probably go to the park then. My best friend Heather is coming over tonight...we are going to watch The Dark Knight...she says it phenomenal! I also rented My Best Friends Girl - with Dane Cook - cause that is my type of movie! Plus, I am interested to see how funny Dane is as an actor.

Well that's all I got for now...hope all you ladies have a wonderful weekend!

I'm not that depressing, I swear!

So I was re-reading a few of my blogs today...I am not that depressed and unhappy, really. haha Sure my job sucks, but whose doesn't these days. And sure I can't get prego...but I will, soon. (hopefully soon - before I go out of my mind!)

But in all seriousness, I felt like I have been super depressing lately. Otherwise than the aforementioned, my life is good. I have a husband who loves me, 2 cats and a dog to keep me company, we both have our jobs and a home and wonderful family that supports us.

I have a sister in law who has a baby. Just had one as a matter of fact. His name is Robbie, is about 8 months old and is as cute as a button. I was over the in-laws for dinner last night and we were all just sitting at the dinner table in awe of this adorable little being...laughing, spitting, and cooing like crazy. Its amazing how much I love him. I never realized how much he would be a part of my heart when she was prego.

And even amid all this angst and resentment I have against the world for my infertility, not one ounce of it goes towards him. I just hope one day soon he will have a little cuz to annoy! hehe

S-T-U-C-K

I feel stuck. I hate the situation that I am in right now. Currently I am a graphic designer, and have been one for about 6 years or so. But I need a change. I realize that this insane corporate world is just not for me. My ideal plan was to get prego, take my maternity leave and look for new job in the process. Fortunately for me, I know that I want to be a teacher (preferably an art teacher). Unfortunately for me, I cant go back to school (not work) and pay for my mortagage at the same time.

So I looked into what is called "Alternate Route". This allows you to get a job as a teacher while going to a few required night classes and having a mentor. I went through the entire process (pretty long and painful I might add) and got my CE (certificate of eligibility) Yeah for me!! So I can now look for jobs as a K-5 teacher. Pitfalls... It is going to be very hard to sell myself without any training or experience at all!!! One would say...substitute for a while, get your face out there first. Well, that would be all good and dandy if I could go under my hubbs insurance. But I cant.

Then my other thought. And this will probably happen to me. What happens when I get a job as a teacher and then get prego before I get to achieve tenure??? Then I really am up shits creek without a paddle!!!!

See, if I didnt have this damn problem of trying to get prego then I dont think I would be in this mess! I would already be prego, on my way out that door, and looking for a new job. So I guess I am stuck in a place I cant stand until I get knocked up!! Funny how life sucks sometimes huh?

trying not to think

So it was Saturday night. Jay and I were going out with a few other couples. None of which have children. Yes! Finally a night with no baby talk! I was determined to not think or talk about babies or our infertility problems. We get to the resturaunt, eat, have a few glasses of wine. I was doing good. Hadn't even thought about it once. Just as we were ordering dessert, in comes a couple with a baby that gets sat right next to us. OF COURSE, it wasnt going to be this easy. I couldnt stop looking at them, settling into their table, the waiter taking notice how cute the baby was, the big smiles on the mother and fathers faces. Instant Sadness.

I get this look on my face. Jay must have noticed - he said it looked like I had just seen a ghost. When he turned around and saw what I was looking at. He instantly knew. He told me "I caught you" in a joking manner. I chuckled, but deep down inside I was distraught.

Happy Birthday to Jay!

Today is my hubby's birthday!!
I sent him a balloon and flower arrangement to work today. hehe. I bet he will get a little embarrassed : ) But we are not doing gifts this year, so I had to send him something. We are going away in March, right smack in the middle of our birthdays (mine is in April) So we are considering this to be our birthday, birthday, anniversary celebration! We didn't really do anything crazy for our 1 year either.

Tonight we are going to Outback....his favorite restaurant. Yummm.

Otherwise my weekend was kind of quiet. Nothing to report. On my last days of Clomid, no real side affects this time. Last time I got a few headaches for the first day or 2 but nothing this time.

Although My hubby and I got into an argument on Saturday, I got a little heated. Thought it might be from the Clomid since I read about other women getting a little testy. So I just talked myself down. Jay of course is so funny because every time we start fighting, he trys to make me laugh. Sometimes its infuriating!!! But other times is a great way to get out of a stupid and pointless fight.