Uncontrollable Tears

See this is why I don't test. I knew it. I knew this was another failed month, another failed IUI.

I hate these days. I wake up with tears coming down my face and they just don't stop ALL DAY LONG. I was sitting in a meeting today with the entire company, and couldn't stop them from coming. Any little thought would set off the water works! How embarrassing is it when random people are asking you what is wrong. Then, these 2 girls in my department of course had to start talking about their babies this morning. I was so damn mad that I even said something to the sort of "can you please shut up" But it wasn't loud and I don't think they knew I was talking to them! ahhh! This is not me. I am not like this. I hate what this traumatic experience is making me become.

I hate this depressed feeling that overwhelms me. A feeling that will last for the next week or so, until I finally get over the fact that I am just not pregnant. Oooh, see that hurt to even type. My RE told my husband and me that considering our circumstances, we probably wont have to go to IVF, but now I am thinking otherwise. I talked it over with my husband and next month we are going to do it. We are going to move on to IVF. I just cant handle anymore disappointment and depression. Its driving me insane and turning me into someone I just don't want to be!

It sucks too because I keep thinking - What are we doing wrong? We both have jobs, have the money support another human life, I eat right, take my vitamins (as does my husband), exercise, drink lots of water, do what the RE tells me to, don't drink alcohol (well maybe a glass of wine or 2 but not during 2ww) yada yada yada... So tell me, why can we not be parents? Why is this such a problem for us? Why is it that some people can give birth and throw the baby in a trash can for God's Sake! Why is life just not fair!!!!